All Of Us Strangers: Mythic Dream + Intimate Memory

Andrew Scott in ALL OF US STRANGERS. Photo Courtesy of Searchlight Pictures. © 2023 Searchlight Pictures All Rights Reserved.

My expectations were sky high from the start. A mysterious gay indie romance starring THE Hot Priest Andrew Scott kissing Current It Boy Paul Mescal?? Who’s wearing the queerest, hottest outfits non-stop??? And they’re TOUCHING EACH OTHER’S THIGHS?!?! And uh oh, looks like we’ll also be dealing with familial trauma and grief. To me, this movie was a pit covered in leaves. I never had a chance. It was the Trailer That Launched A Thousand Replays.

And I do love it, very much, somehow even more now that I know it. Because it knows me, and so many other queer people who share in these complicated feelings of longing, belonging, and being. It’s a film about that familiar knot of losses and new beginnings, of wanting to be touched and held and healed, and always just wanting a little more time. I cried for basically the entire runtime, even during scenes where others laughed (and there are funny scenes! It’s not all sad!).

Every moment when Adam felt a rush of excitement from a touch or a kiss made my heart swell. Whenever he gently glided his knuckles across Harry’s skin, I could feel my hands doing the same. I also recognized the fears that guided Adam, just as they guided me all my years before I came out at 22. And I’m self-aware enough to see they continue to influence me, even if to a lesser degree. As Adam confesses to Harry, “It doesn’t take much to make you feel the way you did, back then”. While AOUS’s themes are universal, some points of cultural recognition may resonate most acutely with Gen Xers and Millennials, born between and during times of radical change and radical acceptance.

Outside its exploration of the queer experience, I also couldn’t help but feel deep resonance with the film’s handling of death and grief. At the start of 2020, a sudden fear of losing my parents crept over me, and obviously only grew as COVID began its deadly global spread. I was living in Portland, 2000+ miles away from them in Chicago, and terrified I’d never get to hug them again or hear their voices under the same roof. Seeing Adam’s yearning shattered me, knowing I’d be just as broken and lonely without my parents, and still grateful that isn’t my reality yet (and hopefully not for many, many years). SO YEAH. I was processing some shit when I saw this movie twice within 24 hours. It was like when Spider-Man 2 was released. I needed to see it again, right away.

Happy 20th Anniversary to Spider-Man 2 btw.

Whether it was the journey of self-acceptance Adam explores, his discovery of the joy possible as a gay man, or finding warmth from his loving but imperfect parents, I saw a mirror on the screen like never before. You might as well call this movie Armageddon for the way it had a Deep Impact on me.

Fair warning, in order to communicate all the ways in which I identified with this movie and its characters, I’ll need to talk about it all. So thar’ be spoilers a’head.

IT IS NOT GOOD THAT ADAM SHOULD BE ALONE. - GOD

Andrew Scott plays Adam, a lonely London screenwriter living in a lonely, tombstone-like tower. In this highrise is only one other resident, Harry, who leans against his window, curtains wide open, defying a fire drill and slugging down whiskey. When they return from the false alarm, Harry surprises Adam at his door with a bottle in hand. He’s boozy and smells of danger, but the kind of danger you liiike. Adam is charmed, even while he keeps one hand on the door, unsure if this smoldering adonis is a dream come true or a drunk troublemaker.

“Do I scare you?” Harry probes, getting a smile out of Adam. “No,” he realizes to himself as he says it. He’s not scared; he’s thrilled. And for a man who’s been alone for a long time, the idea of being touched makes his heart race. But he resists himself and politely closes the door on Harry, not ready to disturb the safety of his loneliness. Adam leaves himself to fantasize about what might have been in the quiet of his lonely one bedroom apartment.

Claire Foy, Jamie Bell, and Andrew Scott in ALL OF US STRANGERS. Photo Courtesy of Searchlight Pictures. © 2023 Searchlight Pictures All Rights Reserved.

To me, All Of Us Strangers is a meditation on sharing yourself with those you love before it’s too late. It’s the visualization of the emotional odyssey happening inside Adam. It’s an impossible journey, more heartbreaking than just bitter in its irony. They’re not ghosts; they’re imaginary friends. He was always such a sensitive boy. 😭

To research for his screenplay, Adam travels back to his hometown, walking down familiar streets until he finds his parents right where he left them. They’re waiting for him at home in 1987, ready with dinner and excited to see their boy. He doesn’t react with any suspicion or doubt, never questioning whatever strange magic might be at hand. Adam tells them he’s a writer, and they gently tease him. He watches as they dance together, holding his mug against his chest, right where he says his anxieties are all knotted up. They bid him farewell, and to stay warm in the cold. It’s nice to be worried about.

Since losing his parents just before his twelfth birthday, Adam’s almost always alone, left to his own self-discovery and self-comfort. Adam yearns for that which he can’t have, but has learned to make do with what he does. As a screenwriter, Adam’s imagination has been more than a rich, creative resource; it’s been a tool for his survival. He’s used it to cultivate his life in the years without his parents, left only to wonder “what if?” The degree at which he’s answered that question is even detailed in a later scene, when adult Adam is clad in pajamas and snuggled next to his Mom. He lists off all the imaginary memories he plotted out in his teens and twenties, whole vacations with his parents where they laughed and bickered and were together. It’s all he had. And it is still all he has.

Adam travels through the underworld of his memory, back to his childhood home in hopes of showing his long-dead parents the man he’s become. And really, it’s the one he’s always been, they just didn’t get a chance to know. As he begins to contemplate how his parents would react, he also begins to envision what life would be with someone who can become new family. In Harry, he finds both comfort and caution, and he finds all this in his own imagination.

I’ll take a moment to say Andrew Scott communicates everything in the smallest winces and inhales and gestures. I understood so much of this film’s meaning because of how specifically he inhabited this character. Scott’s physicality shifts in moments when Adam jokes his way around difficult conversations. His voice is so soft and fragile, but also guarded. I don’t know of many other movies where I am able to exist within the headspace of a lead character like I was able to in AOUS, and it’s thanks to Scott.

Paul Mescal and Andrew Scott in ALL OF US STRANGERS. Photo Courtesy of Searchlight Pictures. © 2023 Searchlight Pictures All Rights Reserved.

I WANT A DREAM LOVER, SO I DON’T HAVE TO DREAM ALONE

Adam runs into Harry again in the elevator, attempting to make both amends and a move, saying he actually does like whiskey! Harry responds with silence and lets the doors shut without breaking his stare. Adam retreats back home and sinks back into his writing. Looking for inspiration and ensuring he keeps a safe distance from any other person, Adam pulls out his binoculars. He immediately spots Harry standing out in a field and the next thing we know, TA DA! Harry’s back in Adam’s doorway, smoldering and flirting all over again. He’s the personification of a Manic Pixie Dream Boy, but Mescal gives us nothing less than a fully lived, complex human with both troubles and compassion.

This time, Adam lets him in. Adam offers a drink, but Harry says he’s done drinking after making a fool of himself the other night. They share a vape pen instead, and Harry’s eyes are warm as they debate the merits between gay versus queer. Harry jokes that queer feels “more polite, like all the cocksucking’s been taken out.” AND WHILE HE’S ON THE TOPIC, he places a gentle hand on Adam’s thigh. Adam forgets to breathe while Harry moves down his body, mustache announcing eeeeyeah, I’ve fucked before.

Harry is so much of what Adam is not: sexually confident, adventurous, open. He’s also exactly what Adam needs: someone to simply be there for him and with him. Harry nurtures Adam. He baths him, confides in him, and shows him a level of attention Adam hasn’t felt in a long time, maybe ever. He also serves as an aspirational gay figure, a man who hasn’t let the fears of the world keep him from living authentically. Or so Adam thinks.

Adam is surprised to learn that Harry is also a card carrying member of the Lonely Hearts Club. Harry doesn’t have many friends, and feels he’s drifted to the edge of his family, who don’t know how to relate to him when they have children and live in the suburbs. Adam commiserates, saying his gay identity has always been tangled with the pain of losing his parents. It’s been hard for him to feel joy when so much of his life has been loneliness. Harry says he knows what it’s like to stop caring for yourself. Paul Mescal burns up the celluloid the moment he appears, but also knows just how to break your heart as Harry. His voice is low and measured, and Mescal portrays this character with deep empathy and immense dignity.

The tenderness shared between Adam and Harry is something rarely seen on film, but something I’ve experienced with men in the years since I came out as gay. These quiet moments of sharing yourself with another person, finding common ground where you can sit together for a moment. It’s more than just sexual; it’s true intimacy. In fact, the intimacy is so strong between Adam and Harry that after their first time having sex together, Harry licks up a trail of Adam’s—well… you get the idea.

Adam comes— I mean, Harry comes over and over to Adam’s every night after Adam comes back from visiting his parents. The movie is about coming...uhhh. I’ve lost my train of thought. I’ll just check my notes…uhh…I mean the chemistry between Mescal and Scott is undeniable...

COMING OUT. Right.

Claire Foy and Andrew Scott in ALL OF US STRANGERS. Photo Courtesy of Searchlight Pictures. © 2023 Searchlight Pictures All Rights Reserved.

HE MOVED INTO THE CITY AND NOW HE’S GAY

One of the most authentic scenes in the film is an afternoon shared between Adam and his mum. Clair Foy delicately captures both the care Adam’s mum has for him, and the flaws that make her character full of doubts and regrets. When Adam comes over in the rain, she washes his clothes and makes him lunch. She studies her adult son, and remarks how much he looks like her father. Adam probably heard this from his mum when he was a child, and it’s a detail he remembers, just like her clothing and her voice and her eyes.

Mum’s filled with pride when she tells him she wants to hear everything, including if he has a girlfriend. Adam chokes on his words a bit as he comes out as gay, and her reaction is not what he hopes. Then again, he doesn’t remember how she felt about gay people, so all he can really do is assume. Claire Foy is tasked with playing this scene in a way that doesn’t demonize her character, and succeeds in creating a nuanced, complex human performance.

She’s cold and a little disgusted, focusing on the dangers of AIDS and loneliness that comes with this “lifestyle”. Adam stands up for himself, saying things are better now and that it’s not a lonely life, barely convincing himself with what he says. The disappointment in Adam’s face is visible, but you can see — it’s in himself. If he’s dreaming or writing or imagining this situation, he’s putting these words in her mouth. He’s ashamed he has these fears himself.

Later while Adam and Harry lay naked in bed, Adam says he avoided sex for a long time for fear it would kill him. Clearly, this fear is still a knot he’s still trying to untie. “I’ve always felt like a stranger in my own family,” Harry admits. Adam can’t help but cry, remembering how lonely his mum made him feel when he was just trying to be himself. How could a near stranger make him feel more seen than his own mother? Than himself?

Claire Foy in ALL OF US STRANGERS. Photo Courtesy of Searchlight Pictures. © 2023 Searchlight Pictures All Rights Reserved.

I’m very blessed to have a close relationship with my mom and dad, and feel privileged to still have them in my life. They’re incredibly loving, deeply compassionate, and generous parents to my brother and me, and have always made it clear they will always be there for us. We are a family that says “I love you” often, and gives each other long hugs at the airport. But acceptance of me being gay is something they had to come around on.

Like Adam’s mum, my mom said some less-than-thoughtful comments the night I came out to her and my dad. She was indignant, asking if I still loved Natalie Portman as I’d long claimed (yes, obviously, still), and if I’d questioned if it wasn’t simply vanity leading me to want someone like myself (I replied, “I’m not even my type”). She was too blinded by surprise to prioritize how tender my heart was. I was telling them who I really was, and who I had been my whole life. I grew up hiding a part of myself, a part I knew others ridiculed and hated. I knew AIDS killed an entire generation of vibrant young queer people, many on the precipice of their adulthood. My mom was afraid for me, afraid for all the same reasons parents of queer people have been for decades. Because this identity comes with struggle and danger, and not the kind of danger you like.

Wrestling with one’s sexuality is something I’m grateful less kids experience in isolation now, and I’m encouraged by how seemingly open and accepting of queerness much of Gen Z is. It’s gotten better, yes, but our formative years don’t just fade into the ether. Even in adulthood, there are times of great loneliness when you look around and see your friends with spouses and children, and realize you’ve passed the age your parents were when they sent you to grade school.

When asked by his mum if he plans to have a family, Adam defensively says that starting a family wasn’t a reality for so long that he hadn’t really tried for it. This was another moment I felt like Adam’s feelings were taken right from my heart. I’ve needed to readjust the narratives I imagined for my life, just as my mom had to once she accepted reality. There will be no bride at my wedding, if there’s a wedding at all. And any children will require extensive planning, and won’t come by the traditional means.

In the years since coming out, my mom and dad have since been nothing but supportive btw, and I smile in plenty of Christmas photos with them. They’ve stood up for me and celebrated who I am, and it’s made all the difference.

Jamie Bell and Andrew Scott in ALL OF US STRANGERS. Photo Courtesy of Searchlight Pictures. © 2023 Searchlight Pictures All Rights Reserved.

DADDY, DON’T BE SURPRISED / IF I WANT TO SEE THE TEARS IN YOUR EYES

The similarities between parental reactions to coming out weren’t isolated to Adam’s Mum, either. When Adam returns to his parents house and discovers Mum shared the news with Dad, his reaction is much more…well, Dad-like. He makes jokes, tries not to pry, and generally avoids the topic altogether. The night I came out, my Dad didn’t ask many questions and simply said he was “shocked.” He did make sure I knew the difference between admiring a man and actually being attracted to one (I was able to confidently answer this with “Yes.”) I saw my father in Jamie Bell’s reassuring gestures and steady warmth.

Another source for Adam’s loneliness stems from his childhood. Adam’s Dad recalls times he heard Adam crying in his room, and Adam reminds him he never came in to comfort him. He also points out how self-conscious his Dad made him about crossing his legs, telling him it looked effeminate. With the truth laid bare, his Dad finally absorbs all the regret, whimpering out a genuine apology. Adam tries to comfort him, saying it was all so long ago, but can’t even complete the sentence before breaking into tears. Adam wishes this conversation could’ve happened when it wasn’t so long ago. He realizes that no matter how much time passes, some wounds never really heal, especially without the proper care they need.

Jamie Bell is half the reason this Living Room Scene works so goddamn well. He mimics certain fatherly shrugs and nods with such precision he feels both typical and archetypical. He plays Adam’s Dad with such steadiness, but is still always playful. I’m a sucker for a character breaking down into tears, and let me tell you, Adam and his Dad crying in the living room will live among my pantheon of Greatest Acting Moments of All Time. And it helps that Bell knows a thing or two about sons who are a little more sensitive, and who do things that might get them picked on at school. Here, he gets to comfort his inner Billy Elliot.

Andrew Scott and Jamie Bell in ALL OF US STRANGERS. Photo Courtesy of Searchlight Pictures. © 2023 Searchlight Pictures All Rights Reserved.

While on the topic of Adam’s Daddy, it’s interesting that the first time we meet Adam’s Dad, we aren’t given any context as to who this man is. It’s before Harry and Adam begin their relationship, and from the way this mustachioed hunk is staring at Adam from the edge of the woods, gesturing to follow him, you’d think Adam was out doing some uncharacteristic cruising. After Adam and Harry have sex for the first time, Harry picks up a photo and comments that Adam’s Dad is handsome. Adam is quick to agree. Is it a coincidence that Harry sports a stache, too? Is it a coincidence that he’s always at his door, asking to come in, tenderly holding him when he cries?

OH, MY DREAMS, IT’S NEVER QUITE AS IT SEEMS

Everything begins to unravel during a night of gay fun with Harry and k-holes. Harry and Adam dance and drink and do Ketamine in the bathroom, and Adam’s never felt so free. He’s so happy that he begins to see visions of cozy evenings with Harry, laughing together, eating takeout on the floor. Toweling each other off after a shower. Moments where Adam is writing on his laptop, looking up to see Harry reading Walden, a book about self-reliance and self-sufficiency. HINT HINT. Adam warps back into the club, only to find himself alone again, naturally.

Adam screams and slips between realities again, this time waking up in his parents house with no commute necessary. Adam tries to shake off the ecstasy of the club and joins Mum and Dad in decorating the tree. It’s an activity Adam previously said he remembered Dad loved doing, and he settles into the quiet domesticity he longs for. They decorate with the Pet Shop Boys in the background, and Mum sings “And I guess I never told you / I am so happy that you're mine / If I made you feel second best / I'm so sorry I was blind / You were always on my mind,” staring lovingly at Adam. He cracks a smile, and keeps it while taking a picture sandwiched between his parents. It’s a picture he’s looked at a thousand times, but in the original, he isn’t smiling. Feeling fully seen by both Mum and Dad, no longer isolated in his identity, Adam chooses to redo this particular night. And of course he wants a redo; this same night, Adam’s parents will die while coming home from a friend’s house.

Jamie Bell, Andrew Scott, and Claire Foy in ALL OF US STRANGERS. Photo Courtesy of Searchlight Pictures. © 2023 Searchlight Pictures All Rights Reserved.

I’ll quickly note that this sequence also perfectly captured what my experience as a gay man has been. One minute, you’re high in between a bunch of sweaty, dancing men, and the next you’re hanging Christmas ornaments and singing along to pop songs. Or you’re visiting a bathhouse on a Tuesday night, and then going to a funeral the next day. It’s literally exactly like that. We move between worlds, us gays.

He successfully keeps his parents from going out that night, and Adam does his best to continue conjuring whatever reality this is. But the pieces begin to break away, and he doesn’t wake up snuggled next to them in bed. Instead he’s back in his apartment with Harry, sobbing into his chest. He finally feels compelled to take Harry to see this strange miracle for himself, and for his parents to meet this man who’s become a part of his life. But the center won’t hold. Harry disappears again after briefly seeing the specters of Adam’s parents.

THOSE WHO ARE DEAD ARE NOT DEAD, THEY’RE JUST LIVING IN MY HEAD

Mum and Dad have to break the news to Adam. It’s time for them to say goodbye, and leave this limbo they all seem to be inhabiting together. They take him to his favorite diner in the mall from his childhood, where they tell him all the things he’s longed to hear. They’re proud of him, they know who he is, and they hope he can make things work with that Harry boy. They drift away, leaving Adam to feel their loss again, but this time with a little more closure. It’s closure he’s providing himself, knowing that no matter how hard he imagines or feels their love for him, his parents will never truly return and it’s time to move on.

Adam rushes back to London and takes the elevator to Harry’s floor for the first time. From outside his door, he hears the white noise machine Harry had mentioned needing to combat the aching silence of the building. Only Adam discovers it’s not a white noise machine, but static on a TV being watched by no one. He winces at the smell of the apartment, noticing a full bag of Ketamine and a closed bedroom door. He opens it and regrets it instantly.

What he discovers in the bedroom is that he’s too late. Harry is gone, and has been since at least the night he first came to Adam’s doorway. He died with that bottle of Japanese whiskey in his hand, alone. Harry appears again to Adam, urging him to leave and not see him like this. Adam refuses, choosing not to shut the door again, and takes him to bed. He holds Harry and whispers lyrics from Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s The Power of Love: “I'll protect you from the hooded claw / Keep the vampires from your door”. It’s a line Harry referenced the night they met, and Adam remembers that small detail like he has with so many others. As they hold each other, they spiral out into the depths of the sky, becoming a bright star. The light is real, even if it’s far from the next nearest sun, or coming from one that burned out long ago.

The second time I saw AOUS in 24 hours, I was lucky enough to attend a Q&A. During this chat, Andrew Scott said to ignore the “twist ending” that Harry is dead. He urges viewers not to wrestle with the logic, but instead focus on the feeling they’re left with, like when you wake from a vivid dream. The feelings were real, even if the circumstances were imagined. Adam is constantly falling asleep and waking up throughout the film, so the boundaries are actually never that clear. Like any movie or play or myth from long ago, the truths we seek in the story are in what it says about our shared experience. In that regard, this movie couldn’t be more authentic or honest. It’s okay that it’s sad AF.

HEY, ORPHEUS! DON’T TURN AROUND!

In concert with its dreamlike qualities, All Of Us Strangers felt mythic to me because, like Orpheus, Adam turns around time after time, only ever finding himself. It’s tragic and beautiful, both epic and intimate. For those less familiar with Greek mythology, Orpheus + Eurydice were madly in love and full of youth. He was the greatest musician in the world, and she was well-read and always truthful. But shortly after their wedding, Eurydice is bitten by a poisonous snake and dies instantly. Orpheus is so griefstricken that he grabs his lyre, books it to the Underworld, and plays the saddest fucking diddies for Cereberus and every other motherfucker down there. When he plays for Hades and Persephone, they are moved so much that they offer him a record mortal deal. Eurydice can return to the land of the living, but only if Orpheus never turns before they cross back over to see if she’s behind him, still following, or if it’s even her at all. They trek up across the rivers of the dead and up to the break of light through the endless darkness. And just before they exit hell itself, Orpheus turns. Orpheus ALWAYS turns. Eurydice disappears back into the depths of the underworld, lost forever. And after all that hard work. Later on, Orpheus is torn apart by a group of Maenads and killed. When his soul arrives in the afterlife, he’s finally reunited with his love. Yay?

These stories of grief repeat over centuries and across cultures, and I always find myself gravitating toward retellings of this particular myth whenever they pop up (shout out to Céline Sciamma’s Portrait of a Lady On Fire, you are bae). The idea of wanting something and missing it by just that much has been a core of some of the greatest tragedies and romances, both in fiction and our real lives. These heartbreaks in life inspire us to tell more stories. In Portrait of a Lady on Fire, Marianne tries to decipher Orpheus’ fateful turn saying, “He chooses the memory of her, that’s why he turns. He doesn’t make lover’s choice, but the poet’s.” Maybe Adam does choose to remain safe in his own imagination. I just don’t think it matters all that much.

All Of Us Strangers vibrated on the same Orphic frequency for me as Darren Aronofsky’s The Fountain, which I’ve unabashedly (and obnoxiously) pinned as My Favorite Movie Ever since I saw it in theaters in 2006. It too is focused on yearning for more time, healing from grief, and tender, sensual bathtub scenes. Both films’ cosmic endings also leave interpretation up to the viewer, allowing for a variety of understandings to be ruminated on after the credits. Perhaps peace is found in accepting death. Perhaps its found in simply remembering you were loved.

Music video by Frankie Goes To Hollywood performing The Power Of Love. © 1984 Universal Music Operations Limited

Regarding that final shot, it’s compelling that the music video for The Power of Love begins with the Nativity star descending from the heavens (side note: didn’t expect the music video to be about Christmas??). Many of ther stars in constellations are named after mythological characters, so it doesn't take much to see how Andrew Haigh positions Adam and Harry among all the other classic love stories we have in our shared consciousness. Scott said Haigh wanted to elevate this romance using that final shot, and place it in the heavens forever. The filmmakers have expressed their joy at how many individuals have come up to them to share how moved they were by this movie, and how much it spoke to their experiences as a queer person. And for those who have lost parents, or any loved one, or just wish they could have the bravery to reveal their full selves to someone who loves them completely, this movie holds an abundance of points of recognition.

Like I said, this movie was a pit covered in leaves. It has everything I could want, and more that I could have expected. I have a pretty bad recency bias when it comes to my Favorites of All Time lists, but if The Batman could grapple its way up my list last year, I can’t deny All Of Us Strangers left a similar indelible mark on me. It feels like I’ve been waiting for this movie for a long time, and I’m so glad I’ll have it with me for the rest of my life.

All Of Us Strangers: Mythic Dream + Intimate Memory

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